I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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