i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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