I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
