You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize