Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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