Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
