True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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