White coat. Heels.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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