This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
