I hate your face
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
