I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
