Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
