You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
