ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
