i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
