Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His hands were made for my vagina.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
