either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
