This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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