Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
