Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Less talking, more tequila
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
