I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
