I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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