I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
