I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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