She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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