Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
