Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
