Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
