My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
