i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
