The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
