I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm going to jail i love you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
