he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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