The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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