Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
