You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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