You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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