he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
