at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
