I wanna bring you to show and tell
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
