If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
