I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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