i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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