I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
