he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
