I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
