last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
