i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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