worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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