They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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