it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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