well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
