Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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