I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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