Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
