I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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