The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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